21cam

lameness

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:22:26 GMT

so im taking a leave of absence from school and going to move to salt lake to live with my dad's sister for a while....im taking steps to keep my residency in ca so that i can come back next year and finish school but i dont know if it will work out. this is the last thing i want right now...i dont know how well im going to be able to handle leaving my best friends; espically when i dont know if i will come back and when i do they will all probably be graduated or close to it and moving on with their lives.
everything ive been and everything ive known has changed in four years...no more basketball, no more parental advice, no more school now, and ive lost my dreams , fallen behind and am about neck deep, and if i sink anymore that will be the end...and ive just about given up fighting
i dont want to leave my housemates...they are my boys , or maybe my men, and how can i be happy with out my ladies, all our "gossip" and the council and companionship they provide for me....these people are all that keep me smiling and breathing anymore...but life isnt fare and i dont get a choice this time.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 10:46:59 GMT

i mom bought a ticket to come see me in december and at first i wasnt really appreciative of her being here for 2 weeks. but all of a sudden im so terrified of the day when she wont be here anymore...

what ive done with my spare time the last week..prob the only song ill ever acutally finish

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 00:40:56 GMT

“LOVER”
Verse 1
Laying in the grass engulfed by the sun
I know it’s the last moment
of your and my souls mixing
I focus hard to slow it
Or maybe rewind the summer
And share it together once more
watch the sun paint the sky atop a mountain again
Fall asleep under the shade on the lake’s shore

Chorus
Will my passions ever stir again
As red as the spirit’s dusk
Shall we ever lay at dawn
Caressing kissing fealing our bodies touch
Can we continue together
Or are we just not in the same place
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life
Struggling not to forget your taste

Verse 2
Your image, evanescent from my vision
As the remanence of a dream
That was misplaced by waking
My desires I must work to redeem
My imagination betrays my stability
Early in the morning not sleeping
The ocean the dancing the memories
Into my consciousness continue seeping
Do you appreciate the rain
When its not falling on my skin
Will someone else whisper your name
And touch you from within

Chorus
Will my passions ever stir again
As red as the spirit’s dusk
Shall we ever lay at dawn
Caressing kissing felling our bodies touch
Can we continue together
Or are we just not in the same place
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life
Struggling not to forget your taste

Verse 3
Will you reach for someone else
When the waters get rough
Can I convince you to want me
Or is my whole not enough
Will you laugh as often with someone else
Prefer their company over mine
Will you daydream of the possibilities with them
As you share a bottle of wine
Weaving a picture of yearning
my thoughts solemnly intertwine
I need you hear to heal
The scars life leaves behind

Chorus
Will my passions ever stir again
As red as the spirit’s dusk
Shall we ever lay at dawn
Caressing kissing felling our bodies touch
Can we continue together
Or are we just not in the same place
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life
Struggling not to forget your taste

Or maybe I will spend the rest of my life
Struggling not to forget your taste…

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 02:12:45 GMT

fuck i used to be so much better at being alone and being happy,i feel empty.
i know i need to
learn to stand on my own two feet, discover who i am and what i want out of
life but at the same time i wonder if i could spend the rest of my life
trying to find answers to those question which im sure will never stay
constant...but if i dont enjoy those things in life that bring joy is there
any reason to live anyway. i could spend the rest of my life alone, secluded
and discover my philosophies but would life be worth living then...
i guess as with most of life there is some balance that must be found
between beign alone and sharing the human condition with someone.
ive been taking my meds for a month now and it hasnt gotten much easier,,,i
guess this is where i grow up, life is almost offering too many
possibilities. i will finish school sometime soon and then i can choose to
go whereever i want almost and i feel like i have no direction.what to do...how do you know if what you decide to do is right, is there a right? or is it all just part of
your path? i dont know anyof this, i know i am glad i feel something, but i
dont know if i can continue to feel this much.i dont know if this is what i
shall feel the rest of my life and if everything and my lifestyle before was
just living before entering the real world. is this how i will struggle the
rest of my life. can i learn to find my balance without a hand...
will i always feel this lost and life seem this pointless and repetitive?

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 12:46:29 GMT

i shall spend a limited time in this existence and much of it will be troubled by the mundane and bureaucratic. aspects in life that hold meaning and significance in our lives: travel learning music wisdom, family friends, yet, in my time here and dealing with what have been a severely depressed 2 weeks my thoughts have morphed, i still appreciate knowledge and enjoy reading and obviously my traveling so far is minimal i do see it happening extensively in the future. yet with all these are sill parts of life that help to bring joy, but they are no longer a reason for living, i could end this life and not regret leaving ignorant of knowledge i hadn't gained yet or the parts of the world i hadn't seen. my will to live has been in decline. the only aspect of this world that has outweighed my despair is the relationships that i share with specific people. There are certain people in my life who inspire me to continue growing. I have realized that that is the very reason why i continue to breathe and have enough courage in the otherwise meaningless human condition. i have nothing in life if not my ability to love. to tina lesley kay i am thankful for all the experiences weve shared, the amazing friends and women that you are is what gives me the courage to exist.

stream of consciousness

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 11:48:17 GMT

so james joyce made thios style popular but 4 a good reason:
life is disappointing
we all ler even those whom we love spend nights alone, with only the compant of their troubles. when they fear nightly rest becasue it is only an illusion. i distrust hypnos because slunber is the misleading singel perfect set in a day of disappointing horizontal sea. pain is a relief form weaskness in the mind. there are those aspects of this otherwise unworthy life that can instile hope: relationships, travel, thrist for knowledge and creation. yet even some afternoons these still dont seem to have enough lift to pull me from slowely gravitating to the bottom.
post tenebras lux
sic vita est.
those days when neither words nor company can lessen the unstableness of the sole.
i may feel hurt yet it must be this. this is reality such is life. my path is secarating from that of the other people's that i have attached myself too. i must find the courage to live or wondr into darkness.
time is an illusion. day and night join become submissive to one another....28 times in a moon's cycle. what time is it; what day is it? years shall pass with only the remembrance of the extremes. every being shall experience this. most unrelated unconnected unworthy of one anothers precious determined fixed time. some of us are unconcerned with meaning super-ficiousilly fulfilled; and yet they live less haunted: a gift or a curse for me to want to die while other want to sleep.
my desire to disappear to fade way maybe its caused because if i werent to exist to those in my life who cared wouldnt be my only reason to live souch a semi-tourchered existence.

gender identity and sex

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 12:36:20 GMT

so i think i came to realization that i have not had that much intimate sex in my life...weird idea for me to use the words "sex" and "not that much" to describe my life. I know a lot of the walls ive put up when having sex with other people had to do with the gender identity issues i have had for most of my adolescent life. i mean really it has only been about the last 2 years that i have become more accepting that i am not a man and that maybe im okay with that. I really feel like its only been in the last few months that ive actually found those thing that make me so glad to be a woman, even if i cant pee standing up, which is really convenient. ....ive decided that i will give birth to at least one child when before i always thought that my partner would only do that.
anyway so the point i think is that now that ive gotton over letting my lover even see my stomach (which was really a prob freshman year...crazy) sex has changed. im learning to accept that my lover may just appreciate those parts of me that make me a woman ....and ya know ...girl sex is HOTT!
sorry this one got a little intimate...

sumer job

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 01:21:37 GMT

so i am partially just stalling as long as possible from getting a job but also ive decided that i dont want to spend my free time this summer pushing papers or selling something. but im finally getting my act together and applying to summer camps and the boys and girls club. I would really love to teach and entertain kids...i feel like i might just end up becoming a teacher in the long run....i guess we will see.
maybe it will help satisfy my maternal clock that will not stop ticking inside of me....i dont think i will be stable enough to have kids till im at least about 28 or 30 (not to mention i should prob fall in love with the woman who will love my children with me), but that is almost 10 years away at the minimum..i dont know if i can wait that long....especally considering every time i get drunk around any of the gay men in my life i seriously try to convince them to impregnate me.
hopefully some time spent this summer with kids running and screaming will be a deterrent.

Wed, 17 May 2006 05:03:27 GMT

So Im almost positive that no matter for how long and how hard i try i will never catch up with the burocracy in life...its flippin impossible. I dont understand b/c there are definitely people in my life that seem to stay on top of such things fairly easily. Maybe its a skill you acquire in life as you also gain experience and maybe you simply just find more efficient way deal. Although maybe its just something about my lifestyle that causes me to have so many tasks...i havent really figured it all out yet, but i think i have at least learned not to let it get into my head too much.

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 09:16:46 GMT

so my dumb ass is too competitive and took a vow of celibacy for a week not ending till this sunday at midnight..what in the fuck was i thinking?

1st time

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 09:02:18 GMT

so i finally joined thx to a good friend. such a good friend thats she is goin with me tomorrow in 1 hours from now to get tattoos ...and no they are not matching ...that would just be weird. but im really excited i feel like a 10 your old kid on xmas eve. YAY for being pricked repeatedly with needles...for some reason it feels so good...crazy!